« v> 





RELATIONS 

By GEORGE M. ROSENER 



S 




DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 
NEW YORK. 








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RELATIONS 



m BauHeWlIc Mttt^ 



BY 

GEORGE M. ROSENER 

AUTHOR OF " COAST FOLKS," " SLEEPY HOLLOW," " AN IRISH EDEN," 
*'THE FROZEN TRAIL," "THE SHERIFF OF TUCKAHOE," ETC., ETC. 



Copyright, 191 i, by Dick & Fitzgerald 



"1^ 



NEW YORK 
DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 ANN STREET 



RELATIONS. .z^Ji,^^ 



CHARACTERS. 

BiLLiE, himself Light Comedy 

Hon. Peter Jackson, Billie's Uncle Character Comedy 

Jim Clemens, Billie's Brother-in-law Juvenile 

Doris Clemens, Billie's Bride Ingenue 

Time. — The present. Locality. — Rural. 

Time of Playing. About twenty minutes. 

Note. — This Skit should be played briskly and with snap. 
The piano and specialty may be omitted, if necessary, with- 
out interfering with the action. 

COSTUMES, 

BiLLiE. At first in a sweater; afterwards, plain walking 
suit. He is very wide-awake in manner, and snappy in 
speech. 

Jim Clemens. Traveling suit; afterwards in Western 
Cowboy disguise. 

Hon. Peter Jackson. An elderly man, with clothes in 
appropriate style. Tall hat, 

Doris. Very neat walking costume; wears a wedding 
ring. 

INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES. 

Bottle of brandy and carbonic syphon on sideboard. 
Shaving-mug and brush with lather; letter and photograph; 
cigarettes and case; pocket handkerchief; stage-money; black 
bag containing a lot of lemons, for Billie. Watch; two 
revolvers; cigar and matches; pocket-handkerchief, for Jim. 
Memorandum book and pencil;, handkerchief, for Peter 
Jackson. Letter; handkerchibf for Doris. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

As seen by a performer on the stage, facing the audience, 
r. means right hand; l. left hand; c. center of the stage. 
D. r. door at right ; d. l. door at left ; d. c. door in center of 
rear flat. Up toward rear; down toward the footlights. 

2 

TMP96~0C7ii6 
©CI.D 238 73 



RELATIONS. 



SCENE. — Fancy interior. Billie's bachelor home. Couch 
with pillows down L. Table and two chairs, r. c. Side- 
board up c. Piano, down R. D. R. to Billie's room. 
D. L. and D. c. to garden. 

ENTER Doris d. l. running, 

Doris (calls). Billie! Oh, Billie! — I wonder where he 
can be. My! won't he be furious when I tell him I have 
been on the lake with Mr. Blakely. No, he won't, either. 
He's so sure of me he wouldn't be jealous about anything. 
He will be some day, I'll make him. Mama says, " Keep a 
man guessing." It won't hurt him and Mama should know, 
if anybody does. She and Papa never had a quarrel in the 
house since they have been married. 

ENTER Billie d. c. 

Bill. No, there's more room out in the yard. 

Doris. Oh ! It's you, is it ? 

Bill. No, it's me, was it. 

Doris. I suppose that's intended for a joke. 

Bill. Yes. Funny isn't it? 

Doris. Yes, very. See, I'm laughing. " (Sarcastically) 
Ha! Ha! 

Bill. Don't do it if it hurts you. 

Doris. Oh! You do make me so angry. 

Bill. Come, dear. We won't quarrel. We haven't been 
married long enough for that, you know. 

Doris. That's so, we are married. I had almost for- 
gotten all about it. 

Bill. Forgot! Married six months and forgot. In a 
year's time I suppose you'll never know it happened. 

Doris. Tell the truth now, Billie, it does seem strange. 
Are you sure it was a real minister who married us? 

Bill. Well, he cost enough for the real article. I hope I 
didn't get stung. 

Doris. Please stop jesting and don't use slang. Oh, 
dear ! When shall we be able to tell folks all about it ? 

3 



4 Relations. 

Bill. Soon, dear, soon. 

Doris. Then we will have a brand new house. Just you 
and nie together. 

Bill. And the plumber. Don't forget the plumber. They 
hang around a new house for about a year. 

Doris. What for? 

Bill. Because they know their little book. Oh! It's a 
a lead pipe cinch. 

Doris. Don't u.se slang. 

Bill. All right, I'll cut it out. 

Doris. There you go again. 

Bill. Excuse me, I must be getting dippy. 

Doris. You're incorrigible. 

Bill. I don't know what that means, but I'm it. 

Doris. By the way, Billie, I just got a letter from my 
brother Jim, who is out in Arizona. The letter has been 
lying in the Post-office for seven days. Listen to what he 
says. {Reads letter) " Dear Sis. I am coming East. I 
just shot up ten men and must beat it. See you later. — Jim. 
P. S. Tell that duck you are going to marry, that I will 
look him up." (Speaks) What do you think about that? 

Bill. He just shot up ten men, did he say? 

Doris. Yes. 

Bill. He must be a nice sociable chap. 

Doris. He is. You'll like him, I'm sure. 

Bill. I'll love him to death, and that's no joke. 

Doris. He would be furious, I know, if he thought we 
were already married. 

Bill. Then we mustn^t tell him either. 

Doris. When shall we be able to tell anybody? 

Bill. Listen. We can tell the world just as soon as I 
see my uncle. This is an uncle I never saw. He has 
charge of the money that was left me by my father. He 
wrote last week saying he would call upon me and turn over 
the money, but first he says I must live up to certain con- 
ditions in the will. I don't know what these conditions are, 
so that is the reason I do not care to have any one know we 
are married, lest he should hear about it and get up in the 
air. After I get the money, he can go to 

Doris. Where ? 

Bill. To the place where ice water costs ten dollars a 
glass. 

Doris. What shall I tell him if I should suddenly meet 
him here? 



Relations. 5 

Bill. If he asks who you are, say that you're the cook. 
Now I'm going to get rid of this sweater and see if I can't 
look a little bit respectable. 

Doris. I think I'll go home now. I want to see if my 
pet hen. Tommy, has laid any more eggs. He — she I mean, 
laid two to-day. Oh, Billie! I want you to try this music 
for me. I am going to sing this song at the benefit Mrs. 
Wiggs is giving for the widows and orphans. (Bill goes 
to piano and plays. Doris does specialty.) 

After specialty EN TEE Hon. P. Jackson d. c. 

Hon. p. Is my nephew, Billie Buttons, about? 

Bill (aside). Great Scott! My uncle. 

[EXIT R. in a hurry. 

Hon. p. Who was that? 

Doris. That? Oh, that was the cook. No, I mean the 
butler. 

Hon. p. Butler, eh? Who are you? 

Doris. I'm the cook. 

Hon. p. Oh! You're the cook. What's your name? 

Doris. Annie Cook. 

Hon. p. Where are you from? 

Doris. Cooksockie, New York. 

Hon. p. Ann, you have a fine name. 

Doris. I am very fond of it, sir. It's the only thing I 
have to remember my father by. 

Hon. p. (aside). Witty, by Jove! And not a bad looker 
either. Annie, you're a mighty fine cook. 

Doris. Sir! (Her head in the air). [EXIT d. l. 

Hon. p. That is, I should say — That is, I meant to 
remark — you are — if you was — then maybe not — suddenly 
so to speak, I saw at once, that now or never — give me 
liberty or give me death, and — What the devil am I 
talking about? Look here. Hello! She's gone. Well, I 
suppose it's for the best, because I certainly am a killer 
with the ladies. (Looks about) And, these are my 
nephew's apartments. Not at all bad. It's a neat fortune 
that boy comes into, and before I hand it over I'll try him 
out and see if he's a man. In the mean time I'll try his 
brandy and soda. (Takes drinh from sideboard) Ah! 
Fine stuff. Now for a smoke in the garden. [EXIT d. c. 

ENTEK Jim d. l. 

Jim. Hello! No one here. (Looks about) Nice place 



6 Relations. 

my intended brother-in-law has. He must have money. I 
wonder what kind of a chap he is. I hope he's a good fellow. 
He must be or Doris wouldn't take up with him. I'll 
wager from my letter to Doris he judges me to be a real 
bad man. (Laughs) And I've got my outfit already to 
live up to the part. I'm going to give him a trying out. 
By George! I'm going to find out what kind of stuff he's 
made of. 

ENTER Hon. Peter, d. c. smoking. 

Hon. p. (aside). That must be my nephew. Well? 

Jim. Well? 

Hon. P. I said "Well?" 

Jim. And I said, "Well?" 

Hon. p. Do you know who I am? 

Jim. No. 

Hon. p. Well, I'm your uncle. 

Jim. Quit your kiddin'. 

Hon. p. Quit my what, sir? 

Jim (aside). I wonder if I've fallen into a Lunatic 
Asylum by mistake. (Puts his thumbs in his ears and 
wriggles his fingers.) 

Hon. p. I hope the boy's not crazy. How often do you 
get this way? 

(Jim dances about and Tceeps up business.) 

Hon. p. Say— Say— SAY! 

Jim. Take it easy, Old Man. Your keepers will be here 
in a minute. 

Hon. p. See here, I want to speak to you. 
Jim (stops business for a minute). What is it? 
Hon. p. I have Fifty Thousand Dollars for you. 
Jim. Fifty Thousand for me. Now, I know he's mad. 

(Starts business again, dancing all the while.) 

Hon. p. Stop that tomfoolery and listen to me. (Jim 
pauses) How are you fixed for ready cash? 

Jim (aside). He wants to make a touch. (Aloud) I'm 
broke, old chap. 

Hon. p. (aside). I thought so. I suppose I'll have to 
give him a few dollars. (Puts his hand in pocket) Here, 
let me have your pocket-book. (Crosses to Jim) Do you 
hear me, sir? 



Relatione. 7 

Jim. Sure, Mike. (Moves his watch to other pocJcet.) 

Hon. p. My name is not Mike. It's Peter. 

Jim. All right, Pete. 

Hon. p. Now do I get your pocket-book? 

Jim. If you do, you'll have to fight like the divil. {Goes 
up L.) 

Hon. p. Come, come, I can spare it. I myself am worth 
a hundred thousand dollars. 

Jim. Say — come here! (Hon. P. goes up to him) Were 
you ever in New York City ? 

Hon. p. Of course I was. 

Jim (very confidential). Don't tell any one, I own it. 

[EXIT comically d. l. 

Hon. p. I believe that nephew of mine has lost his reason. 
(Scream heard off r.) Bill ENTEKS with shaving mug 
and brush in his hand.) 

Hon. p. Great Guns. Tell me what is wrong. Were 
you about to take your life? 

Bill. No, I was about to take a shave. 

Hon. p. Oh! Who are you, sir? 

Bill. My name is Billie Buttons. 

Hon. p. Don't tell me that. I just spoke to Billie 
Buttons not three minutes ago. 

Bill (aside). The old man's gone mad. 

Hon. p. (aside). They're all crazy. The house is full of 
them. 

ENTER Doris, d. l. running. 

Doris. Oh, Billie! What do you think? Tommy has 
laid another eggl [EXIT d. l. quickly. 

Bill. Great ! 

Hon. p. Tommy laid an egg'^. Look here. What kind 
of a house have you got here? 

Bill. Why? 

Hon. p. Why? Why? Didn't you hear her say that 
Tommy laid an egg"^. 

Bill. Well, that's only natural. 

Hon. p. Natural? Natural? Next you'll be telling me 
that you sit on them and hatch them. 

Bill. Sir! I guess you forget. I'm not that kind of a 
hen. 

Hon. p. Oh! you are not? Again I ask who are you? 

Bill. Again I say, Billie Buttons, 

Hon. p. Prove it. 



g Relations. 

Bill (tal^es out letter and photo). Here is your letter to 
me and here is a photo of my father and myself, taken when 
I was only six. Don't you think I was a handsome child? 

Hon. p. Yes, you had a face like a bunch of grapes. 

Bill. Yes ? Papa always said I looked like you. 

Hon. p. Sir! 

Bill. I said Papa looked a great deal like you. 

Hon. p. Boy, in my time I was called Handsome Pete. 

Bill. Did you? 

Hon. p. Did I what? 

Bill. Did you have handsome feet? 

Hon. p. Boy, are you mad! 

Bill. Not vet, but soon. 

Hon. P. Eh? 

Bill. I'm a little nervous, that's all. 

Hon. p. About the money, eh ? 

Bill. Not exactly. You see, I'm expecting a friend from 
the West, who just killed ten men. 

Hon. p. And do you think that frightens me. Why, my 
boy, in the war of '61, I killed a hundred of 'em. I've stood 
in blood up to my knees. I drank it for breakfast, dinner 
and supper. Bah! Bad men don't frighten me. 

Bill. I can see where we are going to have a pleasant 
time here. 

Hon. p. Now to business. 

Bill. Yes, let's get busy. 

Hon. p. In the first place, this money your father left 
you, and is in my possession, can be obtained by you on con- 
ditions only. They are as follows: You must not drink, 
smoke, chew, swear, kiss a girl or get married for one year. 
Each oifense will cost you five thousand dollars. In the 
meantime, I will stay here and see that you live up to these 
rules. That, young man, is your father's will. 

Bill. That's a fine will. In the meantime, of course, I 
am allowed to breathe, am I not? 

Hon. p. I don't remember whether the will stated any- 
thing about breathing or not. But that will be all right. 
Go ahead. 

Bill. Thanks. {Takes out cigarette case and starts to 
smoJce.) 

Hon. p. Here! Cut that out. That's not allowed. 

Bill. Oh! Bosh! 

Hon. p. (tahes out note-hooh). First offence. Five thou- 
sand dollars. 



Relations. 9 

Bill. Say, do you think I'm going: to put up with this? 
{Goes up to sideboard and takes drink.) 

Hon. p. If you take that drink, young man, it will cost 
you five thousand dollars. 

Bill. Why don't you give me thirty cents and call it 
square ? 

Hon. p. (aside). My try-out scheme is working. I'll find 
out what kind of stuff he's made of. 

ENTEK Doris d. l. 

Doris. Oh, Billie! (She does not ohserve Hon. P. 
Throws her arms about Billie's neck and kisses him.) 

Hon. p. (has his back turned. Turns quickly). What's 
that? What's that? 

Bill. What's what? 

Hon. p. That noise. 

Bill. I guess somebody pulled the plug in the bath tub. 

Doris. Nothing of the kind. He kissed me just like this. 
(Kisses Billie again.) 

Hon. p. (business with note-book). Another five thousand 
gone. 

Bill. No, you don't understand. You see, she's the cook 
and she has just been making soup. That's the way I tell 
if the soup is good. First, she tastes it, then I taste it. 
Do you see? 

Hon. p. Well, is it good ? 

Bill. It's fine. 

Hon. p. (crosses to Doris). I think I'll try a little. 

Doris (aside). Here's my chance to make Billy jealous. 

Hon. p. I always did like soup. 

Bill. Hold on there, I'll stand for most anything, but I'll 
be hanged if you can eat my soup. 

Hon. p. Boy, Fm your uncle! 

Bill. And she is my 

Hon. p. Your what? 

Bill (sighs). My cook. 

Hon. p. Cook, come here. (Kisses Doris) Ah! That's 
fine. If it wasn't bad manners, I'd ask for a second portion. 

(Jim off stage shoots guns and yells.) 

Bill. The cyclone has come. Hurray for the fourth of 
July! (Takes up shaving mug) I'll see you later. 
Hon. p. Very well. (Holds out his hand.) 
Bill (takes it, at the same time hands him shaving brush 



Id Relations. 

covered with lather. This is done quichly and without fore- 
thought.) 

ENTER Jim d. l. with a yell and a whoop. He is disguised 
as a Western had man. 

Jim (crosses to Hon. P.). Hello! Pard! (Holds out his 
hand.) 

Hon. p. (shakes hands with him. At same time handing 

him the brush and lather). 
Doris. Why, Jim! 

(Jim takes her hands in his, at same time handing her hrush 

and lather.) 

Doris (to Jim). Now look what youVe done. (Holds up 
her hand.) 

Jim (to Hon. P. Same Bus.). Now look what youVe 
done. 

Hon. p. (to Bill, same Bus.). Now look what youVe 
done. 

Bill. Listen to me. If you don't do as I tell you, (Grahs 
hag from under couch) I'll drop this bag. In it there are 
ten pounds of dynamite. 

All. What! (They huddle up in their chairs. Jim 
drops gun.) 

Bill. I'm broke, desperate, mad, insane, do you hear? 
Answer me. 

All (meeJcly). Yes. 

Bill. Good. (To Doris) You get me a drink. 

Doris (meekly). Yes, dear. 

Bill (to Hon. P. and Jim). Now you two fellows have 
been scrapping all night. I want you to kiss and make up. 

Hon. p. and Jim. But a 

Bill (raises hag). I said Kiss! 

(Hon. p. and Jim, reluctantly kiss each other.) 

Bill. That's right. Now make love. 

Hon. p. and Jim. What! 

Bill (raises hag). Come on. Get to it. 

Hon. p. (to Jim). I think you're an awful nice girl. 

Jim. Now you stop. 

Hon. p. I wish to Heaven he would let us. 

Bill. Now, you fellows, sing. 

Hon. p. I can't. 



Relations. IX 

Jim. Neither can I. 

Bill {raises hag). I said sing. 

(Hon. p. and Jim, in high strained voices and all out of hey 
sing " I'm afraid to go home in the dark.") 

^ Bill. That's fine. Now, gentlemen, it is five minutes to 
eight. At eight o'clock prepare to die. 

(All three take out handkerchiefs and wipe hands.) 

Jim. And how has my little girl been all this time? 
Doris. How do I look? 
Jim. Great. 

Bill. Mr. Clemens, will you have a cigar. 
Jim. Don't mister me. I ain't no tenderfoot. 
Hon. p. (aside to Bill). Who said anything about him 
having tender feet ? Did you ? 

(Jim fires gun. Bill and Hon. P. fall into each other's 

arms.) 

Jim. Don't you guys know enough not to whisper in com- 
pany. 

Hon. p. Yes, Mister 

Jim. Just " Jim " will do. Out in Arizona they call me 
Terrible Tommy, the Terror of the Plains. Yep ! Yow ! Pm 
Terrible Tommy, that's who I am. 

Bill (to Hon. P. aside). Ask him if he is the fellow who 
laid the egg. 

Hon. p. Well, Tommy, how is the egg-laying business. 

Jim (puts gun in his face). What? 

Doris. Jim, do stop quarreling and talk to me for a 
while. What a beautiful mustache you have. 

Hon. p. I must have a drink. (Goes up to sidehoard.) 

Jim. Now, gal, trot out that intended husband of yours. 
(Flourishes two guns) I'm going to talk with him. 

Bill (aside). I guess this is my move. (Starts up.) 

Jim. That's all right, Pard. Sit down. 

Bill. Really, I don't care to. 

Jim (fires gun). Sit down. 

(Hon. p. who was in act of rising at pistol shot, sputters 
and coughs. Bill and Doris both pat him gently on the 
hack.) 

Jim. ril attend to him. (Pushes Bill and Doris hath 



12 Relations. 

out of the way and brings his hand down full force on Hon. 
P.'s hack,) 

(Hon. p. straightens up, spins around and falls into Billie's 

arms.) 

Jim. Ts it up? 

Hon. p. (meekly). I hope so. 

Jim (takes Doris's hand). Come, gal, which one of these 
ducks is your intended. What's this, a wedding ring. Ha! 
Ha ! A light dawns upon me, you are married already and 
without my consent. Where is the greaser? Oh! show him 
to me. I'll fix him so that he'll make a sieve look ashamed 
of itself. 

Doris (crosses to Bill). Oh, Billie! 

Jim. Which one is it? 

Bill (aside to Doris). Tell him it's the old man. 

Doris (points to Hon. P.). There he is. 

Jim. So it's you, is it? 

Hon. p. Me? Certainly not. 

Jim. Do you mean to call my sister a liar? 

Hon. p. (meekly). No, Mr. Terrible Teddy, I don't. 

Jim. Then you're her husband, ain't yer? 

Hon. p. If you say so I must be. 

Jim. Then what do yer mean by marrying her without 
my consent, eh? 

Doris. Oh, Jim, spare him. 

Bill. Yes, spare his spare ribs. 

Jim. You shut up. 

Bill. I'm shut. 

Jim (to Hon. P.). Fer her sake I'm sparin' you. Now 
it's time all good people was asleep. So you take your wife 
and go to bed. 

All. What ! 

Jim. Well, come on. Mosey, Mosey. 

Hon. p. You go, dear. I'll take a walk in the garden 
and have a smoke. 

Doris. Good-night, dear. [EXIT d. l. 

Hon. p. Good-night, pet. [EXIT d. c. 

(Jim follows him up and looks after him. Bill, on tiptoes^ 
starts to EXIT R.) 

Jim. Come back. 

Bill (laughs foolishly). I was just seeing if you could 
hear me. 



Relations. ^3 

Jim Well, I heard yer. Sit down there on that sofa. 
(Bill sits) Have a smoke. {Hands him cigar.) 

Bill (looks about). Keally, I don't care for aiiy. 

Jim What! Refuse to smoke with me. Im Terrible 
Tommy the Terror of the Plains. Yep! Yow! 

B^^ (holds his ears). That's all right. I take your word 

for it. 

Jim. Then smoke. i x j ^i,- 

Bill. You know I'm not allowed to do this. 

Ttm Not allowed? What are you— a babyi 

Son. T.lputTlis head in the d. c). If you smoke that 

it will cost you five thousand. . 

Jm (holds match). Smoke! (B11.L lights cigar.) 
Hon. P. That makes fifteen thousand gone already. 
Jim (throws pillow). Get out. tjf ^^ H% J^ ?-Je 
Jim (^eis bof^^e and glasses from sideboard), ^ow have 

a drink. 

Bill. But honestly 

Jim (Pow^s ^wn). Do you mean to re±use< 

Bill. No, of course not. (Drinks.) 

Hon. p. (at d. c). Twenty thousand. 

Jim. Get out! Bus. with pillow^ 

Bill. If this keeps up I won't have enough left of that 
fortune to have a rubber-collar laundered. 

Jim. Have another drmk. (Bill drinks.) 

ENTER Hon. P. d. c. with a silk cord attached to hat. 

Hon. p. Twenty-five thousand. 

Ttm (shoots. Off goes Hon. P.'s hat.) 

JIM {^snooib. Kju y [EXIT Hon. P. hastly d. c. 

Jim. Now, Pard, you and me is going ter have a quiet 
%t:V.-"^' ^irn money). What's the use.- Take it, 
^tiM.' Well,Xls-awful kind of you. Me and you's goin' 
ter be friends. Do you savy? 

f::\t?uS^ puncUs Ur. in ike ekest). I said do 
"""mrdouUes up). Yes,. I'll take the same with a cherry 



in mine 



jT''i think rU go and see what that old du^||^"P_t°; 



Z4 Relations. 

Bill. Oh! What a lovely day I'm having. I must gei 
out of this mess. Let me think, let me think. [EXIT d. r. 

ENTER Doris, d. c. 

Doris. Billie! I wonder where he can be? 

ENTER Jim, d. c. 

Jim. Hello! Sis. 

Doris. Jim, what do mean by frightening Billie this way, 
and why are you wearing that awful disguise? 

Jim. I'm trying him out. 

Doris. I'm going to tell him you are only fooling. 

Jim. If you do, I will tell the whole town you are married 
to him. Then the old man will hear of it and he won't get a 
cent. 

Doris. How do you know this? 

Jim. Never mind, I know. 

Doris. Oh! You're a brute. 

Jim. Hark! Here comes the old man. Now you make 
love to him. 

Doris. I will not. 

Jim. Ah! Go on. While we are trying Billie out, we 
may as well do it right. See if he is jealous, that's the way 
to find out if he really loves you. Here he is. [EXIT D. L. 

Doris. I think I will take Jim's advice. 

ENTER Hon. P. d. c. cautiously. 

Doris. Hello ! 

Hon. p. Ah! There you are. Come over here and sit 
down. 

(Doris sits on couch. Hon. P. reluctantly sits beside her.) 

Hon. p. How would you like to be my cook for the balance 
of your life? 

Doris. Is this a proposal? 

Hon. p. (places his arm about her). No, this is what I 
call a 

ENTER Bill d. l., he carries the little black bag. 

Bill. What, the devil ? 

Hon. p. Run along, Willie, and sell your papers. 

Bill. Damme 

Hon. p. Thirty thousand gone. 



Relations. 15 

Bill. You make me sick. {Snatches cigar out of Hon. P. 
mouth and smokes it himself.) 

Hon. p. Thirty-five thousand. 

Bill. Damn, Damn,' Damn. There's fifteen thousand 
more. Now I'm broke. (To Doris, takes her by the hand 
and swings her down l.) As for you, you sit down there and 
don't let me have a murmur out of you. 

ENTEE Jim d. c. 

Jim. What's going on here? 

Bill. As for you, I want you to drop that gun and sit 
down beside old whiskers there. 

Jim. What ! 

Hon. p. (aside to Jim). He's gone mad. 

Jim. This is only a joke, I was playing on him. 

Hon. p. Same here. 

Bill. Are you fellows saying your prayers? 

Hon. p. and Jim. Yes, sir. 

Bill. I don't think I'll wait until eight o'clock. I'll start 
the fire works now. (Raises hag.) 

All (drop to their knees). Oh! Please. 

Bill. Get up. I'll spare your lives on one condition. 
First I want your consent to my marriage with your sister. 

Jim. You can have it. 

Bill. Swear it. 

Hon. p. I swear. , 

Bill. Next, I want the fortune my father left to me, and 
no questions asked. 

Hon. p. It's yours. 

Bill. Swear it. 

Hon. p. I swear. 

Bill. Hurray! — Doris — (Takes Doris in his arms) Do 
you hear? I have your brother's consent and the fortune 
besides. Hurray! (Swings hag in the air.) 

Hon. p. Great Scott! Be careful of that dynamite. 

Bill. That's not dynamite. 

Jim. Then, what is it? 

Bill. Lemons. (Turns up hag and out falls a dozen 
lemons.) 

Picture. 



CURTAIN. 

I i 



Vaudeville Sketches 

BERNSTEIN AND FIRESTEIN. is cents, a vaudeville sketch 

in Hebrew dialect foi- 2 male characters, by James F. Parsons. T:me, aboct xj 
minutes. Exceedingly funny both in ludicrous topics, Sheeney hits and droll repartee; 
concluding with the song "Oh, My! Von't We Make der Mont/ !" for v/hich th* 
text and music are given. 

TWO WANDERING JEWS, is cents, a vaudeville sketch in 
Hebrew dialect, for 2 male characters, by Harry E. Shelland. Time, about 15 min- 
utes. Full of funny and catchy dialogue and repartee, and ending with a song. 

NEW CHAUFFEUR, The. is cents, a vaudeville automobile skit, 
for 2 male characters, by Harry E. Shelland. Time, about 15 minutes. A Dutch' 
brewer hires an ignorant Irishman for chauffeur. A terrible catastrophe and a rac/ 
dialogue in which Pat gets the better of the Dutchman. Just too funny and leading 
up to dialect minstrelsy. 

MULDOON AND THE NIGGER ; or. White and Black, is 

cents. A dialect vaudeville Sketch for two males, by H. E. Shelland. Muldoon, 
an Irish stage-manager, meets very snddenXy Johnson^ a darkey, whom he wished tn 
engage as an actor in a Mephistopheles drama. After a lot of funny characteristic 
talk, they rehearse Johnson s part. After some ridiculous attempts at highfalutin* 
tragedy, partly in very blank vers^, Johnson collapses. They close with a song. 

MA'S NEW BOARDERS, l S cents, a farcical sketch in I act. by 
W. C. Parker. 4 male, 4 female characters. Mrs. Holdti^ht leaves her boarding* 
house in her daughter's charge. P7-o/. Alto-Gether calls a rehearsal of the village 
choir, but gives them the wrong address. The choir turn up at Mrs. H.^s and are 
mistaken for new boarders. Then follows an uproarious series of incidents that end in 
t\i& Projessor' s TonnA-up. Can be played "straight," or with specialties. Excellent 
chance for single or double quartette. No scenery required. Time, 30 minutes. 

PAPA'S BULLDOG, is cents, a farcical sketch in i act, by W. C. 
Parker, i male, i female chi^-racter. The hero tries to "coach" his sweetheart in 
some private theatricals. Her ignorance exasperates him so completely that a furioua 
^uarrel tnsues. Unexpected consequences convince each that the other is crazy, and 
the fun is brought to a cyclonic climax by the intervention of Papa's bulldog. The 
piece can be played " straight," or specialties may be introduced. Time, 30 minutes. 
No scenery required. 

AFTER THE BALL, is cents, a vaudeville character sketch in i 
act, by Harry E. Shelland. i male, i female character. Scene, a plain interior. 
Time, 20 minutes or longer, according to specialties introduced. A bright dialogue 
between a youth and girl of the old Bowery pattern, with disjointed remarks and rep- 
artee while dancing the two-step, and affording opportunity for song and dance or 
other specialties. 

POINT OF VIEW, The, is cents, a sprightly comedy sketch, by 
Bell Elliott Palmer, i male and i female character ; time of representation, 20 
minutes, in which Elinor Jardtne tries to convince Fred Winston^ to whom she is 
shortly to be married, that her conduct in regard to a former rejected suitor, although 
unconventional, is entirely justifiable. Fred confesses to a similar but pretended pro- 
ceeding with another young lady. Elinot-'s jealousy is so aroused that she calls down 
the engagement. He then proves that his flirtation is assumed merely to convince her 
that her point o/vieiv is absurdly untenable, a fact which she is gladly compelled to 
admit. Reconciliation follows, of course. An illustration of the feminme " because " 
outwitted by masculine strategy. 

PROFESSOR'S TRUANT GLOVES, The. is cents. A comedy 

sketch, by Bell Elliott Palmek. i male and 1 female character. Time of repre- 
sentation, 20 minutes. A charmingly elaborated duologue, showing how a young lady 
of extremely womanly discernment smooths the way to a declaration of love from a 
man unaccustomed to women's ways, and so terribly bashful and diffident, that he mis- 
interpret all she says and does. A fetching example of womanly tact and diplomacy. 




$s$$$ssss$$s$$^sssss$sss^$sssssss$ 




MILITARY PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

M. F. 

BY THE ENEMY'S HAND. 4 Acts; 2 hours 10 4 

EDWARDS, THE SPY. 5 Acts; 2}4 hours 10 4 

PRISONER OF ANDERSON VILLE. 4 Acts; 2>4 hours. 10 4 

CAPTAIN DICK. 3 Acts; IJ^ hours 9 6 

ISABEL, THE PEARL. OF CUBA. 4 Acts; 2 hours 9 3 

LITTLE SAVAGE. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 4 4 

BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. (15 ceuts.) 5 Acts; 2}^ hours 9 3 

BETWEEN TWO FIRES. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2 hours 8 3 



RURAL PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

MAN FROM MAINE. 5 Acts; 2^4 hours 9 3 

AMONG THE BERKSHIRES. 3 Acts; 2J4 hours 8 4 

OAK FARM . 3 Acts ; 214 hours ; 1 Stage Setting 7 4 

GREAT WINTERSON MINE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 4 

SQUIRE THOMPKINS' DAUGHTER. 5 Acts; 2)4 hours 5 2 

WHEN A MAN'S SINGLE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 4 4 

FROM PUNKIN RIDGE. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 1 hour.. . 6 3 

LETTER FROM HOME. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 25 minutes 1 1 



ENTERTAINMENTS 

25 CENTS EACH 

AUNT DINAH'S QUILTING PARTY. 1 Scene 5 11 

BACHELOR MAIDS' REUNION. 1 Scene 2 30 

IN THE FERRY HOUSE. 1 Scene; IJ^ hours 19 15 

JAPANESE ^VEDDING. 1 Scene; 1 hour 3 lo 

MATRIMONIAL EXCHANGE. 2 Acts; 2 hours 6 9 

OLD PLANTATION NIGHT. 1 Scene; I14 hours 4 4 

YE VILLAGE SKEWL OF LONG .AGO. 1 Scene. 13 12 

^ FAMILIAR FACES OF A FUNNY FAMILY 8 11 

1$ JOLLY BACHELORS. Motion Song or Recitation 11 

^ CHRISTMAS MEDLEY. 30 min utes 15 14 

8 

.) 1 Act; 1]4 hours 1 13 

(15 cents) 11 8 

One copy del. to Cat. Div. 

" '^ liers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. 



APR 8 IS! 



S^S$$^^^$^$$SS$S§:$S: 




APH ii t^^ 





COMEDIES A^ ilSZiil,,.^^^^^^ 

25 CENTS 

BREAKING HIS BONDS. 4i 

BUTTERNUT'S BRIDE. 3 A( ^ 01$ 103 SB 

COLLEGE CHUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage sciuMfe. . . ® ^ ^ 

COUNT OF NO ACCOUNT. 3 Acts; 23^ hours 9 4 

DEACON. 5 Acts; 21^ hours... 8 6 

DELEGATES FROM DENVER. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 3 30 

DOCTOR BY COURTESY. 3Act8;2hours 6 5 

EASTSIDERS, The. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 8 4 

ESCAPED FROM THE LAW. 5 Acts; 2 hours 7 4 

GIRL FROM PORTO RICO. 3 Acts; 23^ hours 5 3 

G YPSY QUEEN. 4 Acts; 2)^ hours 5 3 

IX THE ABSENCE OF SUSAN. 3 Acts; IJ^ hours 4 6 

JAILBIRD. 5 Acts; 21^ hours 6 3 

.TOSIAII'S COURTSHIP. 4Acts;2hours 7 4 

MY LADY DARRELL. 4 Acts; 2i^ hours 9 6 

MY UNCLE FROM INDIA. 4 Acts; 2i^ hours 13 4 

NEXT DOOR. 3Acts;2hour8 5 4 

PIIYLLIS'S INHERITANCE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 9 

REGULAR FLIRT. 3Act8;2hours 4 4 

ROGUE'S LUCK. 3Acts;2hours 5 3 

SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM. 5 Acts; 23^ hours 6 4 

STEEL KING. 4 Acts; 23^ hours 5 3 

WHAT'S NEXT ? 3 Acts; 23^ hours 7 4 

WHITE LIE. 4Act8; 23^ hours 4 3 




WESTERN PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

ROCKY FORD. 4Acts;2hours 8 3 

GOLDEN GULCH. 3 Acts; 2J4 hours 11 3 

RED ROSETTE. 3Acts;2hour8 6 3 

MISS MOSIIER OF COLORADO. 4 Acts; 23^ hours... 5 3 

STUBBORN MOTOR CAR. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 4 

CRA^VFORD'S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 234 hours. 9 3 

DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. 




